Convergence

I always thought that doing what you loved most in life was the bee's knees. But, what happens when you're physically not capable of performing anymore? The majority of my days spent working in restaurants was done purely for the pay check--or so I told myself--because, I could at least tolerate the work; it was only for the time being until I found out what I really wanted to do when I grew up. Then one day, after taking a short hiatus from the biz, a friend suggested I read Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. When Bourdain gets to the part where he's describing the working conditions of his first job, my palms started sweating and my pulse had noticeably increased. I realized that this was more than just a stepping stone for me. The memories came flooding back of all the times in my life when food had moved me; the alchemy of turning raw product, of the earth, into something unrecognizable--an explosion on the palate. I realized that this was artistic expression at its peak for me; the experience of that expression encompassing all of the senses.

With this awakening, I decided to dedicate myself completely to my work, something I had never done before. For years I had secretly wondered what would have happened had I actually committed to cooking (this pondered during one of many brief periods of unemployment where I thought I was finally free of the industry), and was amazed at how quickly I was able to climb the ranks once I had set my intention! One year almost exactly after making my decision I earned the title of Executive Chef at a very nice local restaurant. I was brimming over with pride and exhaustion. Shortly after achieving this pinnacle of success, I was dragged through the emotional trenches when my lover of four years came home to tell me he fell in love with someone else--well, he didn't exactly tell me. I walked into the bedroom for my evening collapse, only to discover him whispering sweet-nothings to some other woman, on the phone, in our bed.

Needless to say, I was devastated. This emotional blow coupled with the physical depletion from the job created burn-out on so many levels. For anyone who has seen the film, Like Water For Chocolate, you understand a little of the interaction between alchemist and experience of the finished product. I had been flying high on Love, Grace, and Joy in order to achieve my status; but now I was wallowing in a trough of despair, breaking out in convulsive sobs for no apparent reason--for months. Debbie Downer doesn't make good food. My creative juices had been sapped. I needed help. I needed a cocoon. I needed a break.

Toward the end, an Angel came to me. One of our regulars gave me a gift certificate to see a woman named, Bonnie Cummings. Bonnie is a Reiki Master, hypnotherapist, and so much more! I had recently been trained for the first level of the Reiki practice with a woman in Nevada City, thinking it might give me the boost I needed to recover my career. Instead, I awoke the next morning with a case of sever spinal stenosis and laryngitis. Being that I could neither pick up a pan nor bark out the wheel, I made the uncustomary (as Chef always comes in, even when sick) phone call to let work know I wasn't coming in. On the second day, I realized my back apparently wasn't going to fix itself, and I went to the chiropractor. When he came back with the x-rays I thought he must be showing me an example of what can happen to your spine if you continue down this road, blah, blah, blah. But alas, to my shock and dismay, these were actually my slides. While the doctor had been processing my film, I had had the chance to study the chart of degradation with osteoarthritis in the neck, a condition--by the way--that can lead to paralysis and premature death. The pamphlet mentions that this is relatively common once you get into your late 60's and 70's, if left unchecked. I was 32 and entering my second phase of the disease.

When I walked into work the next morning I was let go. My prayers had been answered! Here was the break I needed, exactly when I needed it. I filed for disability and used that money to expand my exploration of what was wrong with me, and how to fix it.  For some reason, I had been procrastinating going in for my free session with Bonnie, but now the time had come--I was not equipped to handle all of the changes coming my way on my own. I came in for my session, and immediately felt the shift. Bonnie mentioned she would be holding a weekend-long workshop for Reiki levels 1 & 2 the next week, and would I like to join. I jumped on it, feeling the training would impart the healing and self-assurance that I so desperately needed to recover.

I had, also, been honored with the privilege of doing ceremony with a group of Lakota the previous year. During my time as a Gypsy, I was able to connect with a broader spectrum of the group. While at the Sun Dance ceremony in Iowa the year before, I had made a friendship with one of the Grandmothers, Unci Kiaya. She is not only a Lakota medicine woman, but has earned her doctorate in nutrition. When I traveled out for ceremony the year The Shift occurred in my life, Kiaya offered to have me come stay with her. This was exactly where I wanted to start taking my food knowledge, and figured, "What the hell?"

I had nothing to lose. I've no husband or children; my cat had just died; my roommate was a raging alcoholic who was selling her house, and whom I had spent about four (out of six) months too long with; and I had already given away nearly every material possession that I had ever owned. So I packed up the pick-up, put a few things in storage, and headed back East for the Appalachian Mountains of Pennsylvania and some amazing awareness.

It was in those mountains that I would discover my addiction to wheat (and dairy).