I'm in a weekly class called the Oracle, which is very much like a group counseling session for singles and couples on expanding and deepening their love lives, and overall connection with life and others. Since meeting up with this group, I have developed the most amazing intimate relationship I ever could have imagined--and frankly, I don't think I could have done it without them--but it hasn't been without its challenges.
I recently returned from Burning Man, where my boyfriend and I decided to cohabitate. We have been dating for a little over a year, and essentially living together for the past two months. However, I am noticing there seems to be a humungous emotional leap that is made in making it official. For the past few months I have expressed my desire for the deepening of our partnership, and I even felt very clearly when I wanted that to happen. For my birthday, I got everything exactly how I wanted it. Then, the voices started to creep in... the feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed; the questions of if we were moving too fast, and what would happen if things fell apart; do I deserve this; things have been going so well, is this now the point where I will start to fuck it up, etc., etc.? My head was/is reeling. There was even a moment just before sending the text to my landlady giving notice when I felt so amazingly tired my fingers wouldn't work. That's when I decided to do some core work (core work is essentially meditation where one feels into their body to inquire about what the heck is going on). I realized that my body and heart feel great about this move, but my mind is so jumpy from unrelated traumas of the past that I'm ready to sabotage the good stuff for the slightest hint of a reason.
Our homework for the week was to read the blog and comment on how this relates to our life. Well, it couldn't have come at a more apt time. This inquiry is apropos especially given that we (I, really) have started having DO-dates as a couple with other women (DO-dates are the practice of deliberate orgasm, where [generally speaking] a man will sit up next to a reclining woman and adeptly stroke her genitals until she's cumming like the Dickens!), on top of making the Big Move. My man is extremely gifted at DOing, and as it is part of his lifestyle that brings him (and me) great pleasure, I wanted to embrace this practice more as we delved deeper into our relationship, but boy, did that compound some of the craziness! I noticed the extreme tumescence as I detail cleaned our room before the date; when I finally slowed down enough to feel what was happening inside my body, my head started spinning so much, and my heart started pounding so hard, I had to sit down--I wasn't sure I could 'go through with it' after all.
I did keep the date, and had a great time--I was really turned on, and she was so beautiful with her soft vulnerability. And, wow, did my man feel mighty with two women orgasming at his fingertips! What an amazing insight, as well. I noticed that I was so caught up in my own head at times, that I would check out, distract myself, numb out, get critical, and somehow separate myself from the feeling of what was happening. In doing so, I became even more critical of our guest. Then, when I would realize my own defensive insecurities were projecting themselves, my criticism would soften and I could actually *feel* what she was feeling. The ride was incredible!
The next day has felt like a bit of emotional fall-out, but I am taking the advice of my teacher, and feeling into my experience--just being with the sensations, and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up. It's not all very pleasant, but at the end of the day, I definitely feel more empowered, more solid. I actually feel like everything is pretty damned perfect--and it feels GOOD.
I recently returned from Burning Man, where my boyfriend and I decided to cohabitate. We have been dating for a little over a year, and essentially living together for the past two months. However, I am noticing there seems to be a humungous emotional leap that is made in making it official. For the past few months I have expressed my desire for the deepening of our partnership, and I even felt very clearly when I wanted that to happen. For my birthday, I got everything exactly how I wanted it. Then, the voices started to creep in... the feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed; the questions of if we were moving too fast, and what would happen if things fell apart; do I deserve this; things have been going so well, is this now the point where I will start to fuck it up, etc., etc.? My head was/is reeling. There was even a moment just before sending the text to my landlady giving notice when I felt so amazingly tired my fingers wouldn't work. That's when I decided to do some core work (core work is essentially meditation where one feels into their body to inquire about what the heck is going on). I realized that my body and heart feel great about this move, but my mind is so jumpy from unrelated traumas of the past that I'm ready to sabotage the good stuff for the slightest hint of a reason.
Our homework for the week was to read the blog and comment on how this relates to our life. Well, it couldn't have come at a more apt time. This inquiry is apropos especially given that we (I, really) have started having DO-dates as a couple with other women (DO-dates are the practice of deliberate orgasm, where [generally speaking] a man will sit up next to a reclining woman and adeptly stroke her genitals until she's cumming like the Dickens!), on top of making the Big Move. My man is extremely gifted at DOing, and as it is part of his lifestyle that brings him (and me) great pleasure, I wanted to embrace this practice more as we delved deeper into our relationship, but boy, did that compound some of the craziness! I noticed the extreme tumescence as I detail cleaned our room before the date; when I finally slowed down enough to feel what was happening inside my body, my head started spinning so much, and my heart started pounding so hard, I had to sit down--I wasn't sure I could 'go through with it' after all.
I did keep the date, and had a great time--I was really turned on, and she was so beautiful with her soft vulnerability. And, wow, did my man feel mighty with two women orgasming at his fingertips! What an amazing insight, as well. I noticed that I was so caught up in my own head at times, that I would check out, distract myself, numb out, get critical, and somehow separate myself from the feeling of what was happening. In doing so, I became even more critical of our guest. Then, when I would realize my own defensive insecurities were projecting themselves, my criticism would soften and I could actually *feel* what she was feeling. The ride was incredible!
The next day has felt like a bit of emotional fall-out, but I am taking the advice of my teacher, and feeling into my experience--just being with the sensations, and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up. It's not all very pleasant, but at the end of the day, I definitely feel more empowered, more solid. I actually feel like everything is pretty damned perfect--and it feels GOOD.
Awesome! Sexy and I can feel your heart opening as you write this. Keep writing these!
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