Peeling Onions

My friend called the other day and left me a message that she was, once again, unemployed. She just had her second surgery on her rotator cuff in two or three years, is completely blown out emotionally from the stress of work, and showing signs of post traumatic stress disorder.

She is a front of the house manager at a prestigious Sacramento restaurant—and this is par for the course. The woman is staring down the barrel of 50, making 50-60k a year if she's lucky, has nominal health insurance, lives hand to mouth, and has to work at least 70 hours a week for all of these amazing benefits. Work is so demanding that it leaves no time, much less energy, for obtaining education or training in another field, or even to search for a new restaurant to work in—which, even if she switched venues, the expectations would be the same. Despite the intense physical pain of her injuries, the time off that they provide is an enormous blessing in her life. Unfortunately, the entire time spent on the dole is wrought with anxiety over how to make ends meet, and nightmares about the impending doom of returning to the soul-sucking establishment of her masters. Her trauma runs so deep she doesn't even know what she would do given all the time and money necessary to obtain those goals.

I can truly empathize. Not long ago, I was in the same position. Coming home from my stay in Pennsylvania with Unci Kiaya, and grieving so much for the loss of two loves—a man, and wheat—I knew some life changes needed to be made, but didn't have a clue where to begin. I had always held these beliefs that people are born with gifts, and those gifts are our passions. When one shares their particular gifts with the world, life unfolds its beauty in ways unimaginable. These were beliefs I had never actually lived, however. I was scared. As much as I truly believed that life was conspiring for my success (in the words of Rob Brezsny), I was too afraid to put those beliefs into action. For me, it took hitting rock bottom, and completely giving up hope, to fully surrender to the gifts of life. I had written down what I wanted, I had made prayer ties and burned sage, I had said mantras and performed ceremonies around desires, and when I finally gave up any attachments to outcomes, that's when things really started taking off.

I have about three major passions in this life: food, gardening, and writing. In my traumatized state, I felt that I would have to leave the world of food completely, and seek out a financial path altogether different from what I had been doing in order to find peace. I kept spinning my wheels thinking of ideas that could take me somewhere other than the poor house, and beyond mediocrity. I wanted to capitalize on my strengths, but I was so engulfed in fear and panic that I couldn't even see what those were. I tried on a myriad of hats in my desperation, before finally giving up. I had to make money, so I would do what I've always done. I would cook. Only now, it was, at least partially, on my own terms—as a catering chef. It wasn't what I was looking for, ultimately, but at least I could choose my own gigs, and somewhat make my own schedule, and if one Jefe treated me poorly, there were plenty of others to go work for.

It was around this time of hopelessness that I met my Love. This was one of the two things I prayed for—a real partnership. This was also something I had all sorts of ideas about: who it would be, what he would look like, act like, what age he would be, and how it would feel. Once my attachment to those "ideals" was gone is when he showed up—and, boy, is this relationship so much better, and sexier, than anything I could have dreamed of! He has also brought to my life amazing gifts of insight and healing. Foremost, he has allowed me to be a housewife (something I have always desired secretly, but never allowed myself to actually dream of. The idea of finding fulfillment as a homemaker goes against the feminist ideals I was raised with, but alas, this traditional role is what has allowed some of my greatest breakthroughs). He has also supported me through our relationship coaching. These two combined have been the recipe for the most profound healing I have experienced in this life.

My involvement in a weekly class targeting the psychology of relationship has brought to light so many of the unconscious thoughts and patterns I have been living by, and having the time and safety to explore those inner workings has helped me to unwind the traumas hitherto linked with my deepest passion. By relieving me of my obligations for rent, food, and other basic necessities, I have been allowed to—even forced to—face my inner demons, discover what brought me to those places, and heal, little by little, from a lifetime of conditioning. Funnily enough, it has also brought me back to where I started—rekindling my passion for all things food.

With the spring has come a new emergence. Adam provided me with a cocoon of down comforters encased in gold, and now I am feeling the urge to stretch out these newly spun wings, but I am afraid. I don't have to leave the safety of this nest. I could go on indefinitely, cooking him lovely meals for us to enjoy together and turning our backyard into an oasis in the city. But, I feel a deeper yearning for more. It is time. And, it will happen. But, oh the fear!

As everything in my life returns back to food, it really does strike me that the euphemism is akin to the reality. Actually peeling onions can be a painful and tedious process filled with many tears. But once the work is done, there is only the sweet, healing flesh to enjoy. It would seem that as each layer of this life is healed, and peeled back, another opportunity for growth reveals itself.  I was just reminded by two teachers of mine from many years ago that, "True healing can only come from a place of Love." "Either you're in love or you're in fear, and when love moves out, fear moves in."

Truly, I have Love to thank for the many blessings of this life—and for the many more to come!   

Food Porn: The Ruskie Twist

Another Satisfied Customer

This menu has been dreamed of for over a year.

Each course was brought forth in ecstasy, made from love for love. So much love went into the production. Each component was chosen for it's aphrodisiacal affects. There is no wonder the evening should devolve to debauchery as each course of the meal was spread to consume.

Since my lover is Russian, I wanted to use the influences of his Mother-Land. But, having been born in mid-March, he landed in the cross-hairs of late winter and early spring produce—it's actually a challenging time for menu production since apples, root veg, and citrus are typically on their way out, but peas, herbs and onions haven't quite come in yet. Typically. This year was a little different, I noticed (in fact, the past couple of years have been strange for produce production. With the variations in weather, some items have come in months early, and some haven't produced at all. Global Warming—what are ya gonna do?). Needless to say, beets and citrus were running themes throughout the courses, and surf n' turf reigned supreme with the protein.

Course 1: A Birthday Toast ~ Nazdarovya!

Image: Jenevie Willes

We started by toasting to the Birthday Boy with Point Reyes oysters—chosen in part for the impending doom about to strike that area's industry—and ice old vodka. The Oysters were topped with a granita of Thai basil infused yuzu juice, to compliment the fresh flavors of the sea. (Yes, that is an ice block filled with basil, peppercorns, and handmade hollows you see the oysters perched on.)

Course 2: A Mother and Child Reunion

Image: Seth Berman

This handsome coupling was inspired by the gastronomical adventures had over Thanksgiving when we ventured to Ohio to spend time with the potential in-laws.

As Mother, the first of the two bites (really, though, which comes first, the salmon or the egg?) was house smoked salmon from The Royal Market on Geary, atop a buckwheat blini, finished with a dollop of sheep's milk yogurt from Garden Variety Cheese. For the blini recipe I used Ina Garten's very easy instructions—with a tip from a babushka at the market—let the mix sit for about 5 hours before ladling out—it was a good tip! Also, for the yogurt (chosen since The Man doesn't fare well with Cow leche) I strained it for about 8 hours to create a thicker consistency.

Next on the plate, representing The Child, was the cucumber cup:

Image: Jenevie Willes

The bottom of the cup was created with a slice of Kosher Challah and a slab of Russian butter—thick, sweet, and cheesy. (If you haven't tried European butters, I implore you to bite the bullet, spend the six dollars on a half pound, and make some toast with this decadent treat—truly, not all butter is created equal!) Next, I shaved off slices of Armenian cucumber and tied them with strands of chive. Then, just before serving, I filled those chalices with glimmering garnets of salty salmon roe.

My good friend and San Francisco Sommelier, Amy, sent me her pairing selections for the dinner. I was shopping at Bi-Rite on Divis and had to make do with the choices wine dude, Adam Melendrez, made based on her recommendations. By the way, when I first talked to this guy about wine (it was not for this dinner), I thought, "There is no way this guy knows what he's talking about"—he's young and super approachable, totally without pretense. I took his advice then and was impressed. I opted for his recommendations again for this dinner, and was again pleasantly surprised by his palate and level of expertise.

This is what we came up with for the Champagne to companion our first two courses.

Amy's suggestion was Bereche et Fils Brut Champagne

Course 3: Salad of Seduction

Image: Alex Shoykhet

When I started creating this salad, I had just discovered lovage, and it's apparent aphrodisiacal affects. Unfortunately, this green, though known and available in the bustling metropolis of Sacramento, is not so well known in the Podunk town of San Francisco. So, instead I switched to a combination of water cress and mache. I wanted greens that would stand up to the hearty spiciness of the pickled beets and capers, yet pair well with the delicate flavors of local honey and Meyer lemon oil in the dressing.

I started with both Chioga and golden beets.

The Chiogas have a beautiful, mild white flesh striated with red throughout.

Then, I used a pickling recipe from Emeril Lagasse, and modified the spices to make it my own.

After pouring the hot liquid over the sliced beets and letting them steep for about three days, the results were soft pinks and yellows with a zesty kick just right for this Easter season.

Course 4: Le Entree!

Image: Alex Shoykeht

At this point we were starting to get a little inebriated, and we have the pictures to prove it. I sat down, the music came on, and we all tucked in.

Did I also mention Bi-rite became my best friend for this dinner? It all started with this fine cut of meat—five pounds of NY roast from Estancia Beef sold to me for a killer deal! I poked it with holes, then filled it with garlic cloves coated in Cara Cara orange zest. The next day I rolled that mother in a combination of sea salt and herbs de Provence I picked up from Spice Ace in Lower Pac Heights and let her soak it up over night. This beast was served along side a trio of roasted root vegetables (red beets [of course!], sweet potatoes, and creamy white potatoes) laid out atop a slather of Shasta Gold mandarin aioli.                                                      

Amy had suggested we try out a, "Spanish Red or Northern Rhone. 

Riojas 2001-6 (not 02 or 03) 

Northern Rhone = Crozes or St. Joseph, unless you can afford Cote Rotie 03-08 (good producers like Chave, his second label as well; Clusel-Roche Cote Rotie, Combier Crozes, Bernard Faurie...)"

Adam, the wine guy, pointed these two bottles out, and I couldn't decide. So I got both. 

~~~~~~~~~

Now, momma needed a little lube earlier in the day to get the juices of creation flowing for this event. This is what I had been sipping on from about noon. 100% Cabernet Franc. Brutishly dry. 11% alcohol. Fabulously priced.

So at this point in the evening, a break for some herbal refreshments, and a breath of fresh air,  was in order for some of us to re-stimulate our palates. And, I think everyone needed a little time to digest some of what was in their tummies before we could even think about shoving more in...

Course 5: The Grand Finale!

Image: Seth Berman

Angel food cake with citrus curd of Meyer lemons and Cara Cara oranges, topped with fresh raspberries 

Image: Jenevie Willes

  

garnished with rose water Chantilly cream, rose petals,

Image: Jenevie Willes

and candied orange peel.

For this selection Amy said she wasn't too hip to the dessert wines and suggested I try a sparkling Reisling. Well, we ended up going for a moscato d'asti, and at 5% alcohol, it was the perfect finish for this evening of decadent debauchery.

Hedonists

I can remember at one point, just before everyone went home to their respective bedrooms, standing back watching the guests. The women were writhing to erotic tunes, performing impromptu lap dances for the men, others were licking whipped cream straight from the piping bag, or eating cake out of each other's hands. All were swaying to the rhythm of seduction, and I was thinking, "Now this is alchemy!" I felt like the Maenad from True Blood, seducing people out of their minds with sustenance and spirit. It was so beautiful to be able to provide this as my gift to the man who has so often brought about these same responses in me.

Thank you Lover, for inspiring, and sharing, this love born of Love <3

Sex and the City by the Bay

Oh, what a difference a year makes! The Valentine's weekend Pleasure Course marked my one year anniversary for embarking on this journey of transformation with Adam and Erwan. I have volunteered for every course since taking mine in February 2013, and this time I was called to reflect on the changes that have occurred in my life since then. Sometimes when we are so close to something—like our life—we can't see exactly what has transpired. So, it was rather illuminating to have the input of a few folks who have been on this journey with me, what their first impressions were, and how they see me now.

For a long while I had been in a relationship with a man that was more like a heroin addiction. For five years I had given everything to this relationship: money, housing, cars, education, other personal relationships, you name it. My need was for him, and if he needed it, I gave it to him—at whatever cost. When I eventually ran out of things to give, he left for someone else to supply his needs. His departure was the disillusionment of my world. I was left standing on a precipice looking out into the abyss. I was nothing, and nothing made any sense.

Also, I had just found out about my gluten intolerance, and that it was wreaking havoc in my system in so many ways, which lead to me realize I would need to make a shift with another relationship—my career. Cooking professionally had always been a love/hate relationship for me anyway, and with the osteoarthritis in my neck, and the need to get the gluten out, being surrounded by the substance of my addiction was not the key to success.

So, there I was, back in Sac and breaking up with two dysfunctional relationships. Devastated. My life continued to swirl and slosh as I picked up the pieces that served me and cast the rest to the four winds. Sacramento eventually chewed me up and spit me out, so I found my way back to The Bay to lick my wounds in the din of my grandparent's den.

When I could bear the vastness of The Void no longer, I called out for help, and Grandma Reverend Jean Holmes answered. She came bearing a torchlight of hope with astrological charts and childhood healings. She told me to hold steady, for the majority of my planets were in Libra, and that meant a significant relationship was headed straight for me. As a note of her own, she suggested I learn how to have a good one, since there would be no escaping this transit, even if that meant just having a good relationship with myself (the most important partnership!). But there was a deadline. If I didn't start learning the tricks of this trade by October 1st, 2012, the point would be moot, since I would already be awash in the turning tide.

As fate would have it, I met a very handsome (and randy) young man the next week. On our second date he invited me to an introductory evening with Erwan Davon, which was at the end of September. When I looked down at the flyer, I knew it was kismet, as the symbol EDT uses for the logo is a star symbol in the Maka Wicahpi Wicohan—Kimimila, the sign of the butterfly, Divine Change. The entire platform of the Pleasure Course is all about learning how to have an Eternal Date, or a soulmate relationship—that it's something that can be learned, instead of flailing about, thinking that a good connection is something written in the stars.

Eureka! I had found it! This was the information Grandma Jean had entreated me to find, and it had found me! My magic pill had arrived, and I ate it up. The course is not cheap, and I was sleeping on couches and working for catering companies, which meant an unsteady paycheck, but I opted to take four months to pay off my balance, continued sleeping on couches, and made it work. To this day, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Only, it wasn't a magic pill. The course is three days long, and on the second day we had talked about the steps necessary to create lasting change. It was then that I realized, if I truly wanted a fairy tale relationship, I was going to have to work for it, and that was going to take some prioritizing.

I decided to bite the bullet, sign up for the advanced program that meets once a week for group support, and restructure my life so that my relationship—with myself, and my partner—takes top priority. It hasn't been easy, but it has been amazing. It's a funny thing when you finally start getting everything you've ever prayed for. If you aren't prepared for all the goodness, you're likely to piss it all away to stick with the status quo of what you know. I cannot state clearly enough how important it is having a strong network of support for allowing good to transpire in your life. If I hadn't signed up for that Mastery program, I probably wouldn't have the relationship that I do, and I most assuredly wouldn't have made it through many of the other tough times the past year has presented, the least of which has been the loss of my father.

As I stated earlier, I have volunteered to be on the team for every Pleasure Course since taking my own, and I get something new every time. There is nothing quite like holding space for a group of people in such a vulnerable place, making such rich and deep discoveries of their inner worlds that will positively transform their lives in ways untold.

One statement that Erwan made in this last course was that we all have value simply for existing. It's a sentiment that brings tears to my eyes even now as I write, and one he has made before, but for some reason it hit a place of deep meaning this last time, and I haven't been able to shake it since. For most of my adult life (and probably even from a bit before), I have been walking around with this hard, defensive outer shell. In fact, some of the feedback I received was how scary I seemed to the folks who were just meeting me in that first course. That shell was to defend against the feeling that I had no worth—and I certainly didn't have any worth if I wasn't working, or doing something else that would be considered "interesting". So, in that time of devastation, and nothingness, I really felt valueless. Who could have a relationship with that?

The feedback I received about where I'm at now is heading almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction, and it shows in my partnership. The friends I have made commented on how I have softened over the year. I am less defensive, and way less harsh with my words and judgements. In realizing I have worth, I have been able to soften the judgements toward myself and allow for what is, and that means I judge the outside world with less severity. I get to see more of where people are at, and their intrinsic beauty, and that helps my lover to win with me more often. My lover wins because the value he sees in me is reflected in the sentiments of my own heart. What a beautiful feeling that is—for both of us!

In the past year, I went from having no home, being tumbled about in the sea of life, and feeling completely valueless, to having the partnership of my dreams, stability of home and hearth in the most amazing neighborhood of this world class city, and steering the course for the career of my dreams.

Not bad for 13 little old moons.