Oh, what a difference a year makes! The Valentine's weekend Pleasure Course marked my one year anniversary for embarking on this journey of transformation with Adam and Erwan. I have volunteered for every course since taking mine in February 2013, and this time I was called to reflect on the changes that have occurred in my life since then. Sometimes when we are so close to something—like our life—we can't see exactly what has transpired. So, it was rather illuminating to have the input of a few folks who have been on this journey with me, what their first impressions were, and how they see me now.
For a long while I had been in a relationship with a man that was more like a heroin addiction. For five years I had given everything to this relationship: money, housing, cars, education, other personal relationships, you name it. My need was for him, and if he needed it, I gave it to him—at whatever cost. When I eventually ran out of things to give, he left for someone else to supply his needs. His departure was the disillusionment of my world. I was left standing on a precipice looking out into the abyss. I was nothing, and nothing made any sense.
Also, I had just found out about my gluten intolerance, and that it was wreaking havoc in my system in so many ways, which lead to me realize I would need to make a shift with another relationship—my career. Cooking professionally had always been a love/hate relationship for me anyway, and with the osteoarthritis in my neck, and the need to get the gluten out, being surrounded by the substance of my addiction was not the key to success.
So, there I was, back in Sac and breaking up with two dysfunctional relationships. Devastated. My life continued to swirl and slosh as I picked up the pieces that served me and cast the rest to the four winds. Sacramento eventually chewed me up and spit me out, so I found my way back to The Bay to lick my wounds in the din of my grandparent's den.
When I could bear the vastness of The Void no longer, I called out for help, and Grandma Reverend Jean Holmes answered. She came bearing a torchlight of hope with astrological charts and childhood healings. She told me to hold steady, for the majority of my planets were in Libra, and that meant a significant relationship was headed straight for me. As a note of her own, she suggested I learn how to have a good one, since there would be no escaping this transit, even if that meant just having a good relationship with myself (the most important partnership!). But there was a deadline. If I didn't start learning the tricks of this trade by October 1st, 2012, the point would be moot, since I would already be awash in the turning tide.
As fate would have it, I met a very handsome (and randy) young man the next week. On our second date he invited me to an introductory evening with Erwan Davon, which was at the end of September. When I looked down at the flyer, I knew it was kismet, as the symbol EDT uses for the logo is a star symbol in the Maka Wicahpi Wicohan—Kimimila, the sign of the butterfly, Divine Change. The entire platform of the Pleasure Course is all about learning how to have an Eternal Date, or a soulmate relationship—that it's something that can be learned, instead of flailing about, thinking that a good connection is something written in the stars.
Eureka! I had found it! This was the information Grandma Jean had entreated me to find, and it had found me! My magic pill had arrived, and I ate it up. The course is not cheap, and I was sleeping on couches and working for catering companies, which meant an unsteady paycheck, but I opted to take four months to pay off my balance, continued sleeping on couches, and made it work. To this day, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Only, it wasn't a magic pill. The course is three days long, and on the second day we had talked about the steps necessary to create lasting change. It was then that I realized, if I truly wanted a fairy tale relationship, I was going to have to work for it, and that was going to take some prioritizing.
I decided to bite the bullet, sign up for the advanced program that meets once a week for group support, and restructure my life so that my relationship—with myself, and my partner—takes top priority. It hasn't been easy, but it has been amazing. It's a funny thing when you finally start getting everything you've ever prayed for. If you aren't prepared for all the goodness, you're likely to piss it all away to stick with the status quo of what you know. I cannot state clearly enough how important it is having a strong network of support for allowing good to transpire in your life. If I hadn't signed up for that Mastery program, I probably wouldn't have the relationship that I do, and I most assuredly wouldn't have made it through many of the other tough times the past year has presented, the least of which has been the loss of my father.
As I stated earlier, I have volunteered to be on the team for every Pleasure Course since taking my own, and I get something new every time. There is nothing quite like holding space for a group of people in such a vulnerable place, making such rich and deep discoveries of their inner worlds that will positively transform their lives in ways untold.
One statement that Erwan made in this last course was that we all have value simply for existing. It's a sentiment that brings tears to my eyes even now as I write, and one he has made before, but for some reason it hit a place of deep meaning this last time, and I haven't been able to shake it since. For most of my adult life (and probably even from a bit before), I have been walking around with this hard, defensive outer shell. In fact, some of the feedback I received was how scary I seemed to the folks who were just meeting me in that first course. That shell was to defend against the feeling that I had no worth—and I certainly didn't have any worth if I wasn't working, or doing something else that would be considered "interesting". So, in that time of devastation, and nothingness, I really felt valueless. Who could have a relationship with that?
The feedback I received about where I'm at now is heading almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction, and it shows in my partnership. The friends I have made commented on how I have softened over the year. I am less defensive, and way less harsh with my words and judgements. In realizing I have worth, I have been able to soften the judgements toward myself and allow for what is, and that means I judge the outside world with less severity. I get to see more of where people are at, and their intrinsic beauty, and that helps my lover to win with me more often. My lover wins because the value he sees in me is reflected in the sentiments of my own heart. What a beautiful feeling that is—for both of us!
In the past year, I went from having no home, being tumbled about in the sea of life, and feeling completely valueless, to having the partnership of my dreams, stability of home and hearth in the most amazing neighborhood of this world class city, and steering the course for the career of my dreams.
Not bad for 13 little old moons.
For a long while I had been in a relationship with a man that was more like a heroin addiction. For five years I had given everything to this relationship: money, housing, cars, education, other personal relationships, you name it. My need was for him, and if he needed it, I gave it to him—at whatever cost. When I eventually ran out of things to give, he left for someone else to supply his needs. His departure was the disillusionment of my world. I was left standing on a precipice looking out into the abyss. I was nothing, and nothing made any sense.
Also, I had just found out about my gluten intolerance, and that it was wreaking havoc in my system in so many ways, which lead to me realize I would need to make a shift with another relationship—my career. Cooking professionally had always been a love/hate relationship for me anyway, and with the osteoarthritis in my neck, and the need to get the gluten out, being surrounded by the substance of my addiction was not the key to success.
So, there I was, back in Sac and breaking up with two dysfunctional relationships. Devastated. My life continued to swirl and slosh as I picked up the pieces that served me and cast the rest to the four winds. Sacramento eventually chewed me up and spit me out, so I found my way back to The Bay to lick my wounds in the din of my grandparent's den.
When I could bear the vastness of The Void no longer, I called out for help, and Grandma Reverend Jean Holmes answered. She came bearing a torchlight of hope with astrological charts and childhood healings. She told me to hold steady, for the majority of my planets were in Libra, and that meant a significant relationship was headed straight for me. As a note of her own, she suggested I learn how to have a good one, since there would be no escaping this transit, even if that meant just having a good relationship with myself (the most important partnership!). But there was a deadline. If I didn't start learning the tricks of this trade by October 1st, 2012, the point would be moot, since I would already be awash in the turning tide.
As fate would have it, I met a very handsome (and randy) young man the next week. On our second date he invited me to an introductory evening with Erwan Davon, which was at the end of September. When I looked down at the flyer, I knew it was kismet, as the symbol EDT uses for the logo is a star symbol in the Maka Wicahpi Wicohan—Kimimila, the sign of the butterfly, Divine Change. The entire platform of the Pleasure Course is all about learning how to have an Eternal Date, or a soulmate relationship—that it's something that can be learned, instead of flailing about, thinking that a good connection is something written in the stars.
Eureka! I had found it! This was the information Grandma Jean had entreated me to find, and it had found me! My magic pill had arrived, and I ate it up. The course is not cheap, and I was sleeping on couches and working for catering companies, which meant an unsteady paycheck, but I opted to take four months to pay off my balance, continued sleeping on couches, and made it work. To this day, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Only, it wasn't a magic pill. The course is three days long, and on the second day we had talked about the steps necessary to create lasting change. It was then that I realized, if I truly wanted a fairy tale relationship, I was going to have to work for it, and that was going to take some prioritizing.
I decided to bite the bullet, sign up for the advanced program that meets once a week for group support, and restructure my life so that my relationship—with myself, and my partner—takes top priority. It hasn't been easy, but it has been amazing. It's a funny thing when you finally start getting everything you've ever prayed for. If you aren't prepared for all the goodness, you're likely to piss it all away to stick with the status quo of what you know. I cannot state clearly enough how important it is having a strong network of support for allowing good to transpire in your life. If I hadn't signed up for that Mastery program, I probably wouldn't have the relationship that I do, and I most assuredly wouldn't have made it through many of the other tough times the past year has presented, the least of which has been the loss of my father.
As I stated earlier, I have volunteered to be on the team for every Pleasure Course since taking my own, and I get something new every time. There is nothing quite like holding space for a group of people in such a vulnerable place, making such rich and deep discoveries of their inner worlds that will positively transform their lives in ways untold.
One statement that Erwan made in this last course was that we all have value simply for existing. It's a sentiment that brings tears to my eyes even now as I write, and one he has made before, but for some reason it hit a place of deep meaning this last time, and I haven't been able to shake it since. For most of my adult life (and probably even from a bit before), I have been walking around with this hard, defensive outer shell. In fact, some of the feedback I received was how scary I seemed to the folks who were just meeting me in that first course. That shell was to defend against the feeling that I had no worth—and I certainly didn't have any worth if I wasn't working, or doing something else that would be considered "interesting". So, in that time of devastation, and nothingness, I really felt valueless. Who could have a relationship with that?
The feedback I received about where I'm at now is heading almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction, and it shows in my partnership. The friends I have made commented on how I have softened over the year. I am less defensive, and way less harsh with my words and judgements. In realizing I have worth, I have been able to soften the judgements toward myself and allow for what is, and that means I judge the outside world with less severity. I get to see more of where people are at, and their intrinsic beauty, and that helps my lover to win with me more often. My lover wins because the value he sees in me is reflected in the sentiments of my own heart. What a beautiful feeling that is—for both of us!
In the past year, I went from having no home, being tumbled about in the sea of life, and feeling completely valueless, to having the partnership of my dreams, stability of home and hearth in the most amazing neighborhood of this world class city, and steering the course for the career of my dreams.
Not bad for 13 little old moons.
What a heart opening journey, and so well narrated.
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